Thursday, May 08, 2008
He is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Without question, the light of my life. On the rare day that I get to be with him from waking in the morning to rocking to sleep at night, I look back and realize what a fantastic day we've had together.
I have to leave him every weekday and go to work. Some days are shorter than others, but I have to go every weekday. I take him to the nanny's house and I leave him. Sometimes he doesn't even notice that I'm going, already absorbed in a toy or the nanny's little girl or Teletubbies or whatever. When I pick him up in the evenings, he is happy to see me, but he is equally happy when he's playing his "goodbye" game with the nanny.
Sometimes I get so jealous of her, the way he smiles when he sees her. Part of me knows that he loves me, he knows I'm his mother, but the part of me that's a little closer to the surface is wounded. I am really struggling with this lately. I have no choice about working, we simply can't afford our life without my income. Hopefully there will come a day, not too many years down the road, when that will change. But for now, this is our life.
I have it better than most, I know that I do. I only work about 30 hours a week, I have a wonderful woman looking after him when I'm not there, and when we're home in the evenings, his father dotes on him in a way that makes me fall in love with him all over again, and again, and again. But I question myself all the time - am I doing right by him? Am I being patient enough, loving enough, to make up for leaving him? I hope I am. I am striving to find that balance between work and home that nearly everyone goes through, with my own little family's twist on things. Some days are hard, though. Today is one of those days.